so i just smile

Ah! Another sad day, another blue day ahead for me to breathe. I don’t know why I need to feel gloomy when there is the word HAPPINESS.

I woke up this morning feeling good, even doing well. I do also start the day with my daily conversation with my Special Friend, Jesus. But then, in a blink of moment, everything just turns to melancholy. And I even don’t know what the cause of this is depression. *sigh*

This is my scenario almost two weeks in a row. Sleep around twelve in the morning, woke up around seven in the daybreak, pray in silence for about five minutes. Then, get my cellphone under my pillow or besides me or where ever I left it before I plunge to deep slumber, read the messages on the screen and reply to some. After some moment of silence, I’ll get out of my messy bed, go directly to the kitchen, and prepare my self with a cup of sweet, invigorating cup of hot aromatic coffee. *again sigh* too routinely.

I’m still drowsy; I’m feeling I’m dreaming with my two eyes wide open. Am I pathetic or what. *sigh* I do admit now that I am pretending that I’m okay. SOMETHING IS WRONG.

I must stop this illusion that there is no lacking piece in the puzzle.

I am missing you to much. But you are elusive. We are now on diverse way brother. *sigh* Where is the pledge we’ve made that distance wont be the hindrance. I’m just missing the feeling that I’m a brother, an older brother to someone (a thing I also never felt t my sibling). When will things back to the way they used to be. Will in return? I doubt but I’m hoping still.  *sigh*

Apparently, I can’t do anything but to stare to this opaqueness. *sigh, sigh, sigh*. Just hope!

Looking deeper to this thing, can there be a sense in being lonely, in being down? I think so…

I guess, without this feeling I can’t appreciate the reality and the taste of blissfulness. Perhaps without feeling lonely, alone, insignificant, I won’t seek and pursue happiness. It seems negative emotions is not negative at all, they give emphasis to the coming wonderful things in life.

And what is the sense of dwelling on those emotions if you have the choice to be happy. There are also good sides in all things. Have an eye for beauty and goodness.

Happiness is not elusive.

Maybe now I’m not okay but sooner or later I’ll be fine.

I’ll let the tears follow and cleanse my heart. . .

Wipe the tears. .  .

And smile.

my speech: no ordinary me

19 years, eleven months, 12 days, 15 hrs and approximate of 30 minutes……almost 20 summers… that’s long I live. Now what?

            I am the eldest chap in the family. Too much attention, too many privileges, too good life, too extraordinary – I LIKE IT – I AM LIVING IT . . . it must be okay to stay this way. WRONG, too high expectations, too great pressures, too agonizing – IT SUCKS… Pretention RULES… this is not the way I want things to be… but this is who I am. . . I hate limelight yet I abhor the backstage. .

            I regard my self as the one of the gutsy but also belong to the feeblest. Brave because I dare to have the heart and eyes to see almost everything in different perspective. Simple things as complicated one, complicated things to be the simple one…the height as the depth…to be a leader in following…to smile in sorrows…to cry in joys…weird…too peculiar perspective that makes me bizarre…. I am different, inimitably different from others… though there’s nothing off beam with it; I am afraid still to stand in the light and shout my name… This makes me as one of the weakest…afraid to substantiate the insignia of my ideas, to say my feelings and passions...afraid to be secluded though already living in aloneness…

            How long will I stay in this spot? This is not darkness neither the light. I am amidst the two. I don’t know how long I will wear this mask – to remain muffled. This is elusiveness. . .

            But there are stuffs that are certain in my psyche. I want to be happy, - who don’t want to be one? - The real sense of bliss that will fulfill the needs of my heart. To be free from the eyes of this world, of my family, of my friends, of everyone to be able to express the real me. I am easily frightened by the eyes that stared at me, which is why I am anxious to take a step without carefully inspecting the weight of my feet. I want to stop pretending to be all right when I am all down. I want to be indispensable, to be real.

            But for now, I will begin everything on dreaming that someday, somehow – this wounded being will be mended – the jagged pieces will be arranged – the shattered parts of my being will be found – that I will find my place to be fitted… From then I can say I am ME, a no ordinary ME.